Story of My Life

teenagesoil:

I feel like I’m going to be that aunt who drinks vodka straight out of the bottle and ruins Christmas.

fortheloveofotps:

sqvad:

pansoph:

pansoph:

i went to a party and put 3 whole loaves of sliced bread all around the house i put bread under the kid’s pillow and in all 3 of his bathrooms, in his rugby shorts and the breast pocket of his school shirt, on his roof and his neighbor’s roof, in his couch and on his tv i’m laughing so hard he’s going to wake up hungover tomorrow and be like why the fuck is there bread everywhere 

i’m pissing myself

jesus christ

jesus crust

modestmgmtofficial:

identical twins have so much power tbh last year my lab partner steve came in with pierced ears and everyone was like whoa steve when did u get them pierced and he was like i’ve had them for 3 years. i’m not steve. and he just sat down and started taking notes. the next day steve came in and was like did u guys see my brother jake yesterday lmao we switched schools

ericisntfunny:

My my would you look at the time…

tablespoons:

loling-in-the-deep:

imagine if your name was a swear word

motherfucker can you please come down to the office

omg at first i thought u meant like ur name was used as a swear word 

shut the brittany up go chris yourself

wishtoconfess:

I will write about the following, leave one in my ask box.

Dear person I hate,

Dear person I like,

Dear ex boyfriend,

Dear ex girlfriend,

Dear ex bestfriend,

Dear bestfriend,

Dear mom,

Dear dad,

Dear future me,

Dear past me,

Dear person I’m jealous of,

Dear person I had a crush on,

Dear girlfriend,

Dear boyfriend,

coelasquid:

I found out that if you give your tomato plant adequate water and fertilizer you run the risk of it never flowering because consistently comfortable conditions convince the plant that there is no environmental pressure to spread and reproduce.

You can literally be a helicopter tomato parent and grow a spoiled directionless manchild tomato plant.